Skizworld

Episode 1: It’s a small gripe but a big annoyance. Usually I know what I want from the apple store and I’m in and out. But once, recently at the downtown San Francisco Apple store, I had a question so I started looking for an apple minion. I find one, intelligent looking long haired guy who appears do have been pulled from his dark basement and given a new pink paint job. We’ll call him Pink Lazlo. He’s helping someone so I hover insuring I’ll be next. The woman he’s helping reaches the “I’ll take it!” stage and I expect her to be on her way to the cash register and now, it’s my turn. But nooooo, he says “I can ring you up right here with my retail utility belt.” Now I have to wait for him to ring her up and wouldn’t you know it, Pink Lazlo operates his belt credit card swipe machine like my grampaw in the 80s trying to set the clock on the VCR. I choose to go back to work and do the necessary research online thus spending $0 at the Apple store that day.

Episode 2: My Girlfriend and I need to return something at the Apple Store in the San Francisco Marina. We walk up to what looks like a front register but it’s actually the Genius Bar, where folks can put their name on a waiting list for tech support. We look around some more and, guess what, no registers! All the Mac-drone ultra hip employees have retail utility belts. So, in order to do our return we have to corner one of the lime green or pink shirted drones. Instead of waiting in a cash register line we have to compete for attention of one of these folks. We catch a girl the same way you might catch a busy waitress during a peak lunch crowd and she responds: “I’llseewhatIcandoafterhelpthiscustomercant’stoprightnow.” Finally a young scruffy guy who looks like he was just pulled out of his dark basement and given a fresh coat of lime green paint, we’ll call him Green Cheeto, tries to help us but, wouldn’t you know it, he operates his utility retail belt like a grampaw in the 80s trying play the Game boy with no batteries. He has to keep asking one of the Genius bar guys, thus slowing him down also. While Green Cheeto is figuring all this out, two people ask if they have to make an appointment to buy something slowing him down even more.

Epilogue: We get it apple store, you’re hip. Nice store layout. The downtown store with the free software classes is brilliant, but please bring back the old sales floor helper/cashier caste system; let the helpers give out info and cashiers ring you up. Right now buying something at some of these stores is like trying to flag down a bar tender and I don’t have the cleavage to get his attention. I suggest that anyone who goes to an ultra-hip apple store and there’s any trouble buying something, just start stripping until someone comes to ring you up. If you’re attractive they’ll help you faster, if you’re not they’ll help you faster to make you stop.